Monday, June 05, 2006

driving myself crazy...

I consider myself a fairly safe driver. I don’t behave unpredictably. I use my turn signals, and have a good mental map of all the turn-only lanes. I never talk on the phone while I’m driving. I’m good at anticipating what other drivers are about to do. I share the road with cyclists and pedestrians. I don’t run over squirrels.

But put me in a parking lot, with not enough sleep and too much on my mind, and I apparently become a real danger to stationary objects. The first time I took my driving test, I flunked it because I hit a cone during the parking portion of the test. Sheila has seen me run into a building (well, a trailer, really) at zero miles an hour.

When Robb’s family was visiting, right after Robb’s accident, I took them up to see the view from the Berkeley hills, and rammed the front bumper of my car into a huge log at the end of the parking lot. When Erica visited, I scraped the side of my bumper against a concrete pillar in the parking lot of the Oakland Farmer’s Market.

Today, at the Safeway, I backed right into an SUV. I hardly slept the night before due to mysterious stomach cramps. Goodness knows what I was thinking about, or where I was looking. Luckily, there was no damage done to the other woman’s car. She was dismayed by, but astonishingly forgiving of, my stupidity.

And there I was, sobbing like an idiot in the parking lot of the grocery store. I haven’t cried one tear during this whole experience. Not during the hours of surgery on his spine. Not when we didn’t know if Robb would ever walk at all. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t find the occular faucet.

(I was really worried about this at first, and Madelyn told me that I was okay, and that one day when I wasn’t expecting it, I would find my tears. She told me that maybe, in about a year, I would be doing something really normal, and Robb would come into the room, and I would just start ot cry.)

I got myself under control. Drove home, very carefully, thrust the groceries at Robb, and went into the shower to cry.

And when did this blog become all about me, anyway?

I suppose that since Robb is dis-inclined to write very often, and because there hasn’t been a whole lot to report in terms of changes in his physical condition, I’ve been writing more and more about myself. I blame the digital camera, and the fact that I’m actually somewhat uncomfortable speaking for Robb. Sorry. I’m sure that anybody who is concerend about the state of Robb’s recovery must get sick of my stupid wildflower pictures.

8 comments:

Lock Wench said...

Actually, seeing your wildflower pictures lets me see you are doing ok. As long as art is part of yuor daily routine, I know you're coping. If you lost interest in such things I would be deeply concerned.

As for the cry....BRAVO! I bet it was exhausting yet cathartic. And I am glad you used my "shower" technique. Every day will get better. I promise.

And don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that bumper scrape while Knitica was there was due to the fact that...there was a car...and Knitica...in the same place. J/K Love ya, Erica!

HUGS HUGS HUGS to you, Lisa -

Wenchie

Anonymous said...

As faithful readers of this blog, we can honestly say we have not read a single word or viewed a solitary photo that we have not relished. Robb, You, wildflowers, the weather, just keep writing!

~~Doublesaj & Old Blue~~

Gothknits said...

*hugs*

In your defense I never saw you hit anything with your car. I did have to jump you a few thousand times because you kept leaving your lights on, but that's another story.

woo hoo! on the crying. Its taken my mom nearly a year and a half to cry over my cousin dying. And she's a scorpio too. hrm. Remember crying gives you a clean emotional canvas.

The blog is about both of you and should stay so. How else would we know what is going on? I love the flora and fauna photos...especially the kitty updates. I miss kitty sitting for you.

P

Anonymous said...

I love your wild flower pictures.
I can tend to take too many of such things myself, but at least you are doing something interesting with them! ;-)

As for crying, I do it way too easily so it is not amazing to me that you cried after hitting a car --- rather it is amazing that you aren't crying a whole lot more over much less provocative things (nevermind the worse things)!

fPf

ZeitgeistMama said...

I'll fourth the comments, that I enjoy all of the writing and the photos, and particularly love hearing that you're out and about by yourself and have worked it out with Robb that you don't need to give up on your needs and interests just to 'nurse' him!

and i'm glad you found your tears too...i hope you feel better after that physical reaction! and anyone who doesn't burst into tears after a car moment ... well that's when you really worry!

Anonymous said...

I hate those damn SUV's. The woman whose car you "became aquanted with" was probably secretly thrilled that it was not HER hitting things for a change. We repeatedly have ambulances at our local grocery store cause the idiots who design the SUV's here in Detroit also are unable to drive them without running over a kid. I can't believe a car has actually been designed that is as big than most peoples ego, to tell you the truth. And the other SUV driver is ruining the planet, so karmically, she had it coming. Boy, I'm bitter.

The nature pictures are very good as well- It's actually mentally soothing for me to see photos of a landscape that has yet to be developed. keep it up!

The highly emotional, crying fit is good as well. Can I borrow you when it comes time to go to traffic court? I'm not kidding. Gary whips out his British accent when he had to go to traffic court, as if to say, "In civilized countries, it's normal to drive on the other side of the road, your honor." His fine was waived, believe it or not.

Concerning the accident- The least that you did was cry- it's cool. Weaker people than you have been in similar situations and have become morons in the face of stress, turning to booze, or drugs, or vehicular aggression. Ooopps, wait... Well one out of three is ok in my book.

I'm glad to hear that road rage has recently been diagnosed as a medical condition, because I was afraid I was developing a satanic side to me when jerks cut me off in traffic.

It's all good, take it easy and pet your cats for us.

- Annalisa and Gary

Anonymous said...

Be kind to yourself. As surely as Robb is going through stress, strain, and recovery, you are as well. You've handled all of this quiet grace and strength.. but don't forget to enjoy life, too... which means taking and sharing lots of kitty and wildflower pictures. :)

Eclipse

K said...


I love your wildflower pictures. You are a very talented writer, and I really enjoy your blog. You are very insightful.

I'm also very impressed with your letterboxing. We had tried to find the Wave Organ box once while on vacation, but we forgot our log book and stamps! :( That was before I found your blog. Maybe someday I'll find one of your works of art. Until then, I'll enjoy this work of art (your blog).

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