Un-Changing-Ness
...
I've used this photo-montage, before on the blog but it tells the story of just about every cold I get. I'm flat on the couch, reading Edwardian children's literature, and being trompled on by an affectionate fluffy kittycat.
Beloved cats pass away. Worn-out furniture is eventually replaced. Different books are re-read.
I have to confess that I've been feeling pretty stuck, and being sick doesn't help my mood. While Robb seems to have an infinite supply of Great Attitude, I've been doing a huge amount of worrying lately.
Worrying about our finances. We're living on way less money than we used to. And that's saying a lot, considering that we are both artists.
Worrying about my career. Have I "topped out" in my field? If I want to make a change, will I be able to afford to go back to school? Am I too old to ponder a radical career change? Do I even want to change, or am I just suffering a temporary period of discontent?
Worrying about the future of Robb's health. What are the long term implications of taking so many drugs? Why is he still experiencing so much discomfort? What will life be for him as his body ages?
I've been worrying about the fact that I have been slowing turning inward, and have not been seeking out friendships. Because we never know if we'll be having a good or a bad day, I've stopped making plans with anyone. I also dread going anywhere with friends, and having to tell them -- for the millionth time -- to please slow down. I feel boring and not worth hanging out with.
Most of the time, when I'm feeling healthy and strong, I can keep these sorts of demons under control, but they never really go away.
I've used this photo-montage, before on the blog but it tells the story of just about every cold I get. I'm flat on the couch, reading Edwardian children's literature, and being trompled on by an affectionate fluffy kittycat.
Beloved cats pass away. Worn-out furniture is eventually replaced. Different books are re-read.
I have to confess that I've been feeling pretty stuck, and being sick doesn't help my mood. While Robb seems to have an infinite supply of Great Attitude, I've been doing a huge amount of worrying lately.
Worrying about our finances. We're living on way less money than we used to. And that's saying a lot, considering that we are both artists.
Worrying about my career. Have I "topped out" in my field? If I want to make a change, will I be able to afford to go back to school? Am I too old to ponder a radical career change? Do I even want to change, or am I just suffering a temporary period of discontent?
Worrying about the future of Robb's health. What are the long term implications of taking so many drugs? Why is he still experiencing so much discomfort? What will life be for him as his body ages?
I've been worrying about the fact that I have been slowing turning inward, and have not been seeking out friendships. Because we never know if we'll be having a good or a bad day, I've stopped making plans with anyone. I also dread going anywhere with friends, and having to tell them -- for the millionth time -- to please slow down. I feel boring and not worth hanging out with.
Most of the time, when I'm feeling healthy and strong, I can keep these sorts of demons under control, but they never really go away.
Comments
Would it be a mood lifter at all to have a craft afternoon or something together? I'd be happy to finally bring some metal clay over, or some stamps and inks, and we could just sit around, drink beer, make stuff, and shoot the shit. It's easily postponeable if you don't feel well, and there's no keeping up to worry about.
I always find - and I'm sure you know - that indulging the creative mind is happymaking. I'd be happy to kill a Sunday or something with you this way. Let me know if you're interested and we can make some loose plans. :)
I don't really know 'zactly what to say, other than let you know "we are out here"... the folks that love and admire you two. So... hi!
-wassamatta_u
2. I totally get the feeling stuck thing. And the difficult money thing. And the overwhelming worry for someone you love and their unknown future and healing thing. Way different circumstances. Same feelings. They are normal. We keep them at bay as best we can. They rise hydra-headed when exhaustion or illness depletes some of the background energy we use everyday just to remain focused. Heal your body. And don't worry about the comparison of Attitudes. And if you DO go there: Just remember that YOU were used as an exemplar to me of the kind of attitude I should have embraced a long time ago by our good friend.
3. Call me. Whenever. I'll listen. Or just find the funniest series of jokes I can tell you. Or bond over common worries. (Synchronicity - I'm sick, too!) Or plan a delightful, creative diversion of some sort. You don't have to do all the work or be "up for it". But try not to stay in the cave unless you're loving the cool dark mystery of it and are communing with the bats.
xo
g
When I feel bad I go and chop some wood, build a nice fire, or now that I can eat, bake a cake. It usually helps. If my energy is low I just steer into the fire and compose in my head my next article for the Hungarian Internet News Letter. So far they had published 24 out of 25. This really cheers me up.
Hope you will be out of the blues by the time this reaches you. Love
By the way, if you're ever in need of mellow, easy going company, I'd be happy to tag along!