Friday, April 25, 2008

Un-Changing-Ness

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I've used this photo-montage, before on the blog but it tells the story of just about every cold I get. I'm flat on the couch, reading Edwardian children's literature, and being trompled on by an affectionate fluffy kittycat.

Beloved cats pass away. Worn-out furniture is eventually replaced. Different books are re-read.

I have to confess that I've been feeling pretty stuck, and being sick doesn't help my mood. While Robb seems to have an infinite supply of Great Attitude, I've been doing a huge amount of worrying lately.

Worrying about our finances. We're living on way less money than we used to. And that's saying a lot, considering that we are both artists.

Worrying about my career. Have I "topped out" in my field? If I want to make a change, will I be able to afford to go back to school? Am I too old to ponder a radical career change? Do I even want to change, or am I just suffering a temporary period of discontent?

Worrying about the future of Robb's health. What are the long term implications of taking so many drugs? Why is he still experiencing so much discomfort? What will life be for him as his body ages?

I've been worrying about the fact that I have been slowing turning inward, and have not been seeking out friendships. Because we never know if we'll be having a good or a bad day, I've stopped making plans with anyone. I also dread going anywhere with friends, and having to tell them -- for the millionth time -- to please slow down. I feel boring and not worth hanging out with.

Most of the time, when I'm feeling healthy and strong, I can keep these sorts of demons under control, but they never really go away.

13 comments:

Eclipse said...

I've been very turned-inward myself, lately, too, since the two fires and my hip injury and etc etc.

Would it be a mood lifter at all to have a craft afternoon or something together? I'd be happy to finally bring some metal clay over, or some stamps and inks, and we could just sit around, drink beer, make stuff, and shoot the shit. It's easily postponeable if you don't feel well, and there's no keeping up to worry about.

I always find - and I'm sure you know - that indulging the creative mind is happymaking. I'd be happy to kill a Sunday or something with you this way. Let me know if you're interested and we can make some loose plans. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi.
I don't really know 'zactly what to say, other than let you know "we are out here"... the folks that love and admire you two. So... hi!
-wassamatta_u

Smiley said...

I always find it hard to think on the positive side when I'm feeling sick. Not the best time to make life changing decisions and all that. Sometimes a change of scenery or redecorating brings something new. Your sick and bored at home, looks like you have the energy to "computer". Update the look of the blog??? New color or title picture? Start small and virtual. Hang in there. Sending positive energy your way.

shiloh said...

Y'all can come hang out with me anytime. Although being halfway across the country from you might be a bit awkward.

Gina said...

1. There is no way on earth you could ever be described as boring! Ever. I dearly miss close contact with the creative, curious, intelligent spark that emanates from you, even in your worst moments. Trust me.

2. I totally get the feeling stuck thing. And the difficult money thing. And the overwhelming worry for someone you love and their unknown future and healing thing. Way different circumstances. Same feelings. They are normal. We keep them at bay as best we can. They rise hydra-headed when exhaustion or illness depletes some of the background energy we use everyday just to remain focused. Heal your body. And don't worry about the comparison of Attitudes. And if you DO go there: Just remember that YOU were used as an exemplar to me of the kind of attitude I should have embraced a long time ago by our good friend.

3. Call me. Whenever. I'll listen. Or just find the funniest series of jokes I can tell you. Or bond over common worries. (Synchronicity - I'm sick, too!) Or plan a delightful, creative diversion of some sort. You don't have to do all the work or be "up for it". But try not to stay in the cave unless you're loving the cool dark mystery of it and are communing with the bats.

xo
g

Sarcasmo said...

I am getting ready to be in your shoes. My husband (reluctant letterboxer):), is going to have surgery on his neck to remove bone spurs from this C5-7. They have to remove disks and hopefully replace them with newly approved artfl disks. He also has spurs growing inward touching his spine. We're sick to death over the worry but we try to fill our weekends with memories and experiences, esp since we have 2 young kids. I was laid up with v badly sprained ankle/bone chips on foot for 7 1/2 months. I understand your despair. I also a reluctant artist and crossroads. I need 2 classes from out of state college, cuz we moved 3 yrs ago and I was THAT close to BA. I don't know where to start but I recently heard a friend say "Don't waste a day." So I'm not. Don't waste a day, your friends IF they are true friends will understand yours and Robb's needs. You need friendships at this point to keep you mustering on. I really enjoy your pictures, they are beautiful, you are very talented. Loved the owls. We once had a HUGE owl swoop down in front of us on overgrown bike path in N. IL in broad daylight. Wish I'd had my camera rolling! Take care and DON'T WASTE A DAY!

boodely said...

Ugh, being sick always opens the door to my "I'm going to die penniless in the gutter" fears too. They're so compelling. Hope you feel much better very soon.

Anonymous said...

Your knitting is a wonder to behold! We in the northeast could probably supply you with an additional income should you choose to knit and sell sweaters!

Edmund said...

reading these comments I can tell you have real, good, caring friends. This is an asset no money could buy. I hope they cheered you up.

When I feel bad I go and chop some wood, build a nice fire, or now that I can eat, bake a cake. It usually helps. If my energy is low I just steer into the fire and compose in my head my next article for the Hungarian Internet News Letter. So far they had published 24 out of 25. This really cheers me up.
Hope you will be out of the blues by the time this reaches you. Love

dorks anonymous said...

Lisa--I can empathize. I hope you start feeling better (on all levels), and I hope you get the chance to come hang out sometime. Missing you and the rest of the Bay Area folks...

Criquette said...

When I read your blog, I feel like we could be twins. Well, except for the fact that you're incredibly artistic and talented and can knit up a storm. I agree with what others have said, it is so easy to pull in and feel alone when you're sick. Please know there are people out here (even if you don't know us) who care about you . I'm sending you and Robb thoughts filled with positive energy - I hope you feel better soon!

Cellissimo said...

Oh my goodness, I was just about ready to write an entry in my blog about some very similar issues. I've been feeling that same restless inwardness and have also been feeling dissatisfied and worried about the future lately. You're human; be gentle with yourself.

By the way, if you're ever in need of mellow, easy going company, I'd be happy to tag along!

Lyn said...

You're not boring. I'm a proud member of your fan club. Even though it's been a long time since we've seen each other in person, you are often in my thoughts.

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