Today on How's Robb, we'll be sharing our secrets for orchid care.
If you follow our advice, you will buy plants based on whim, and totally fail to consider the requirements of your orchid collection. After murdering a number of beautiful and expensive plants, you will eventually stumble across an un-killable orchid. This is akin to playing roulette with your eyes closed.
When friends who are serious orchid collectors give you plants, thank them profusely. Then go home and promptly forget all their names. Maintain a regular six month schedule of re-asking for the Latin names of your plants. Write them into complex spreadsheets, and then forget where you filed those, as well.
Move into a new home and park all your orchids in the back yard. It may take several tries before you find the best corner of the yard for scorching the crap out of your plants.
When your orchids do come into bloom, bring them inside. They will look splendid on the dining room table.
If you are very fortunate, you will have cared for your orchids in such a doting manner that the plants will reward you with something extra-special.
Each morning, magical, glistening, sparkling patterns will surround your plants. It's as if enchanted spirits had slithered out of the flower pot, and roamed drunkenly across the dry-clean-only fabric that you are foolishly using for a tablecloth.
After scrubbing off the slime, delight anew at each morning's unique patterns.
A saucer-full of sea salt adds a decorative flair to any slug infested orchid pot.
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