Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Bring a Little Nature Indoors (Exclamation Point)


Today on How's Robb, we'll be sharing our secrets for orchid care.

If you follow our advice, you will buy plants based on whim, and totally fail to consider the requirements of your orchid collection. After murdering a number of beautiful and expensive plants, you will eventually stumble across an un-killable orchid. This is akin to playing roulette with your eyes closed.

When friends who are serious orchid collectors give you plants, thank them profusely. Then go home and promptly forget all their names. Maintain a regular six month schedule of re-asking for the Latin names of your plants. Write them into complex spreadsheets, and then forget where you filed those, as well.

Move into a new home and park all your orchids in the back yard. It may take several tries before you find the best corner of the yard for scorching the crap out of your plants.

When your orchids do come into bloom, bring them inside. They will look splendid on the dining room table.

If you are very fortunate, you will have cared for your orchids in such a doting manner that the plants will reward you with something extra-special.

Each morning, magical, glistening, sparkling patterns will surround your plants. It's as if enchanted spirits had slithered out of the flower pot, and roamed drunkenly across the dry-clean-only fabric that you are foolishly using for a tablecloth.

After scrubbing off the slime, delight anew at each morning's unique patterns.

A saucer-full of sea salt adds a decorative flair to any slug infested orchid pot.

Enjoyed our Gardening Tips? Well, click here for our Fashion Advice.


Christine said...

Wow, the thing with orchids is you either got it or you don't. I totally don't, but I'm so glad you do and can enjoy them actually blooming again. (Miracles of miracles!)
Side note- is that a pair of Luray salt and pepper shakers? Nice!

Stefaneener said...

That's terrific. If I wrote child-rearing and housekeeping tips, you and I could write a book.

LunaSea said...

Oh lordy... one of the best blog posts ever. I'll be chortling for days.

ArtGekko said...

At our first house, we didn't have gutters, so the grass right up against the back of the house was *very* moist. I used to sprinkle salt on the slugs back there. I was doing that when my water broke w/ child #1. So when anyone asks what I was doing when I went into labor, I get to say "slating the slugs."

My sister has a "just add ice" orchid, which you water with three ice cubes, once a week. It's gorgeous, and she knows nothing about orchids.

Meredith said...

Oh, I love this how-to! I laughed so much, Lisa. :D

MamaKin said...

This is the best orchid care list I've ever seen, and I've got orchids blooming in my bathroom. The only thing I do is make sure they don't shrivel up, so I water them, and when they finish blooming, I cut them on an angle just below the nub where the last flower came from. I've never...and I don't know why you get all the fun...had slugs come to visit :D

Allison said...

Brilliant orchid advice. And is that a live Masdevillia?! I've killed a few of those... :)


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